27th September 2011
Gadzooks and Oddsbodkins!! I new that when we followed Rangers to Ollerton Town in the Vase we would be entering the area of Sherwood, but I didn't expect the Sheriff of Nottingham to turn up and ref the blinking game! After a very pleasant journey through lovely autumnal colours, we dropped the good lady off in Newark for shopping before heading off into the hinterland that is the north Notts, south Yorks border.
Ollerton seemed a fairly pleasant, sleepy sort of place and the welcome we received at the ground was good - except we spent the first ten minutes, or so, chasing round trying to find the guy selling the programmes. Looking round, it was great to see a goodly portion of the 'crowd' had ventured up from 'Deeping Towers'. There was much joshing and jolliness outside the 'pavillion', along with copious quaffing of tea. There didn't seem to be any of Friar Tuck's mead available, even less buxom serving wenches.
In fairness this is a ground I would not wish to attend too much during the winter. Apart from a little cover behind the 'pavillion' end goal, the rest of the ground was open to the elements, and ambush from the Sheriff's men - a thickish looking wood being not far distant from the opposite end goal. But the pitch, dear reader, the pitch! Oh Mercy me. It was so hard and uneven, in profile it would have reminded one of the Peak District National Park! I kid you not. It was a stinker of a pitch and any chance of playing decent football on it was out of the question.
Nothing daunted our brave boys took to the field in natty sky blue shirtings, whilst Ollerton wore a very retro looking Manchester City 'away' kit. You know the one - red and black stripes. Just think of Franny Lee, Colin Bell and Tony Book. Was it Neil Young who scored the only goal against Leicester City in the 1969 Cup Final? Sorry my mind has wandered. Must be the thought of those buxom wenches!!
Anyway, the Sheriff got the game under way and promptly proceeded to ignore most fouls. And let me tell you, most of the fouling was being handed out by the homesters. Heavy handed dosn't really cover it. Poor old Jacko got taken out completely at one stage and rolled gracefully to our feet. We sat the good fellow up, and he shook his head with vigour like Tom in the Tom & Jerry cartoons after being clonked round the head with a frying pan. And it was like this throughout, the worst moment coming when Westy got poleaxed by a chap called Annable, the Ollerton number four. It was a truly cringe-making challenge and should really have produced a straight red card. But no, the Sheriff and his linseman took no action at all apart from awarding us the free kick. SO THERE HAD BEEN A FOUL, THEN?
Whilst Westy lay pitch side waiting for the ambulance, Mark 'Don't panic' Jonesey lofted the ball over the keepers head from some distance to give the lads what they deserved at half time, a 1-0 lead.
During the break I had a wander around the 'pavilion' and assorted portakabins only to discover a set of stocks and a pillory!! Wow, we really were in the 'greenwood' and I knew just who we could put in these instruments of torture!! It would have been good seeing all the peasants chucking rotten fruit at the ref - sorry, Sheriff!
More of the same in the second half. I think we counted five yellow and four red cards in total, but the Sheriff still lacked any kind of control. Not to worry, 'Big Bird' and a limping 'Gilbo' wrapped things up nicely for us setting up a juicy tie in the next round against those bouncey 'Tiggers' from down Holbeach way.
By the way, Westy suffered a triple fracture of the cheek bone in that aformentioned challenge and has spent the last few days in hospital. God bless you, mate. We all wish you a speedy recovery here at 'The Towers.'
Until next time, as ever, COME ON YOU RANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!